Thirtysomething Life Changes

Update

2005-10-21T12:39:08+02:00

Hi everyone,

It's been such a long time since I last wrote! I have moved jobs again, been to visit my new home (I love Bristol!), made some new friends and my mum is ever onwards and upwards. Perhaps the best news is that all the tests came back negative on her post-op biopsies, so we hope the cancer isn't going to come back.

I am also going to be an aunt! Have recently seen the first scan of my nephew/niece and my little sister is thrilled. Unfortunately, her joy is not shared by members of the family, which is a shame and it's also caused no end of trouble, with family member being set against family member. My brother has now disowned me (!) although what he means by that I don't know... Apparently I am evil and manipulative. Obviously hasn't looked at a dictionary lately.

We also have 2 new cats, a little grey tabby and a big long-haired bruiser (ginger and white), who decided I'm their mummy and like lots of cuddles. Both of them sleep with me; the grey one just curls up, but the long-haired monster will decide he needs to feel love at 2 in the morning! He's getting better though, now just tending to sleep on my bed, although I'm lucky if I can find space to sprawl myself as they tend to take up the whole bed!

I am also injured! I have managed to partially tear the tendons and ligaments in my left foot, due to a pretty bad fall on a night out (I was SOBER at the time and wearing flats; just an accident!), but I'm off the painkillers and should be back to full driving/dancing/gym-going in another 3 weeks or so. Still hurts though, but limping is less.

Also recently caught up with a lot of my old friends from 10 years ago, which was lovely and they were all really nice (which after my loopy and psychotic behaviour back then I really didn't deserve) and I'm hoping to stay in touch. Behaved somewhat badly and don't think I'm ging to be forgiven by someone in particular, but I hope so before next reunion! It must be said Chambers Street Reunion was amazing and the music was ace, even if it did have to be in Teviot. I even didn't clear the floor when DJing although I kept my session short'n'sweet!!!!!

Next post will be soon!

TTFN

Thirtysomething

Comments

In Sickness and in Health

2005-08-19T17:08:50+02:00

Greetings all

For those of you who have been keeping apace, I've been a bit quiet recently, as my mum has been back in hospital having the op for the cancer.

It all went really well and she's healing fine (including the nerves, which are giving her no end of trouble at the moment). She was let out less than a week afterwards and we've been looking after her ever since. Or rather, I have.

See the trouble with being someone's primary carer is having to be utterly selfless. Now, this isn't a problem - I'm happy to do this; I love my Mum very much, but it gets difficult when you share your space with others who don't have the same sense of responsibility that you do.

As a carer, your priorities shift. My priority is my mother. Full stop. This means doing her laundry, cleaning her house, making her meals and making sure she has everything she needs. I gave her my TV and DVD player so she can watch TV in her room etc and bought her a kettle so she doesn't have to do 2 flights of stairs to the kitchen. I didn't do this for brownie points, I did this to try and help her out.

However, when it's pretty much you in the firing line, it does mean that everything - and I mean everything- takes second place. My relationship has really suffered since Mum became ill the first time and the boyfriend and I called time on this 3 weeks ago right before her surgery. It's all very amicable and we're still friends and we talk frequently. I've had to take a great deal of time off work as well. As I'm a temp, this isn't too bad, but then again, if I don't work I don't get paid, which is not great if you're a) trying to pay off all your debts before becoming a skint student again and b) paying all the food and miscellaneous bills with your meagre salary in the first place. But I do this and I do it wholeheartedly because I care! The other thing I've had to give up is sleep and lunch - I'm up at 6.30 every day to get various things done before I have to go to work and I rarely get to bed before midnight. Lunch went because I need to spend as much time as possible wiht my mum. I don't think I'm sleeping too well either at the moment, in case Mum needs me. I also have been out on only 2 occasions; if I am out I feel guilty about leaving Mum (even when it's she that has chased me out the door!) and besides, there's dusting, hoovering, mopping and polishing minimum for me to do! I am trying to fit this all in around the full-time and part-time jobs - very tricky.

You might be asking yourselves why there's no help? Well, there's supposed to me, except that's in the shape of the manic younger sister. She occasionally makes lunch - if she's up, which can be well after noon and doesn't consider that Mum can't get to the door or phone quickly or fend for herself yet. However, I got home one day last week to find that said sister hadn't come home the night before or during the day and as a result poor mum had had nothing to eat until 4.30pm and hadn't phoned me as she hadn't wanted to disturb me! Said sister had not bothered to call me to let me know she wasn't in and could I help? Needless to say, I was not happy. This was on top of her not getting a repeat prescription of her anti-depressants right before Mum's surgery, meaning I had to deal with her as well as Mum.

Also, said sister has decided that her priority is herself and her career - never mind anyone else. Mum's care, the house and the rest of us will just have to manage, despite the fact that she earns no money doing what she does. From her I get no help with housework or laundry (she has no time apparently) and no contribution towards the food (she has no money, oh and apparently doesn't eat food that's bought either!). She also has a habit of letting people down - like our neighbour just this week.

I confronted her about her behaviour on Saturday, asking what would make her help out? I pointed out that I've been very upset trying to cope and that I am at a point where I probably should see a doctor (but I'm too scared to go in case I get put on tablets that then mean I'd lose my place to do nursing), and I pointed out that my being so upset at work as I can't cope with all of it and being sent home is not great for any of us. I also tried pointing out that if I don't work we don't eat. Am I being unfair to expect her to do housework, look after Mum some of the time and make a small contribution? Am I justified in thinking she's being a selfish little madam right now? Well when she told me that what she is doing right now is about her career, her future and didn't say anything about how her behaviour is impacting on my health, I think we know the answer. I believe our focus is Mum right now, not anything else, and if you are not the one earning, you should be the one caring. Am I right or am I being selfish?

Is it fair on me when I lose everything I've worked for just so she can find herself? This is what I'm faced with; work and I'm neglecting mum and the house. look after mum and I lose my job and income, meaning I can't pay my bills or pay for food. Try and do everything and I crack up and may lose my sanity, health and place to study nursing. I'm in Catch 22 land. I can't win any way right now.

Mum is feeling guilty about needing so much help - and she shouldn't. She's ill and she's allowed to be looked after. I'm not angry with her - I'm angry with my sister for doing nothing.

At least I am not so stressed during the day at the moment as my brother is home and looks after her, even though he expects me to take over again once I get in from work. Other sister is off representing the family at a wedding in Australia, so I've been helping sort out things she will need while there and en route. I hope to get there later this year for a break. Think I'll need it by then!

Tonight folks, at the risk of sounding selfish, I am off out on my leaving night form the current temp job and then off to a show. I get in in the wee small hours and then after about 4 hours sleep I will be up again to start the day for Mum before heading to Shabbat service and my religious instruction classes. Then I'm out tomorrow night seeing the premiere (UK) of Land of the Dead with George Romero possibly in attendance! I'm squeezing all my fesitvals (there's a lot on in Edinburgh right now!) into a few days!

I try not to stay angry, because that won't help anyone, least of all me. I just try and keep going, hoping that I don't burn out.

After all, if I burn out, who will pick up the pieces?

And now I am faced with discussing my sister with my other brother and sister again. Even though we know it's not helping we're all bailing her out. By paying for her prescriptions or giving (it's not lending when you don't see it again!) her cash, she's not learning any responsibility for herself and her current behaviour shows us she won't take responsibility for her surroundings or anyone else either. I wish it could all be blamed on her being ill, but she has always been like this and when I was ill with the same kind of problem, I still did my chores and held down a job. I even took my exams at Uni and passed. I have a horrible feeling that she needs to be given an ultimatum. You have to pay digs, you have to do chores and you have to get some sort of job. We won't help any more, because it's doing you no favours. Even though I know this is what we need to do, I feel awful that we might have to do this, because I don't want to alienate her or make her feel unloved. But I'm fighting the rear-guard action again to stop Mum from showing her the highway again, because Mum is angry with her behaviour too. Mum may be ill, but she's still got eyes.

Anyway, I am back between a larger rock and an even harder place. I'll let you know if we all get out of this one alive! Any advice, you know where I am!

Comments

What a Difference a Day Makes #4 to Make Poverty History

2005-07-29T11:24:49+02:00

Today is Number 4 - I checked! And it's TEA.

Very good for you this stuff apparently, much better than coffee.

What's not so good is the unfair deal workers on tea plantations get. Like most people, they get paid a pittance, have to work long hours and have virtually no protection in law. Middlemen take their cut...Need I go on?

Not on I say. read Rough Guide to Ethical Shopping for a list of companies that are unethical on this one.

So what can we do (you know what I'm going to say!) buy Fair Trade! On the side of the packets of most fair trade tea (especially co-op amongst others), you'll find little stories about how the buyers from Co-op, thanks to the demand for the products, have made this huge difference to lives. In one case in Africa, a creche has been built for workers' children and a community centre has also been built, where locals can find out what is going on in the world. All this because of a better deal through Fair Trade.

So check out your tea bags and if they don't brew to the fair trade standard, you know what to do!

And that's what you can do today to make a difference to make poverty history.

Short one I know, but I'm up to my eyeballs. When I get the email up and running for the blog I will post it to let you contact me direct!

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Things you can do today to Make Poverty History #3

2005-07-27T14:31:28+02:00

Are we on 3 yet? I can't remember it's been so long, what with bombings and everything. So apologies ot anyone who has been waiting with bated breath for this latest installment.

First of all though, can I just say how disappointed I am that G8 have not done more. The current situation in Niger is an absolute disgrace. Leaders, remember we are watching you. We have the luxury of voting you out if we feel you aren't delivering. What exactly is it going to take for the G8 leaders to realise that unless you address the major issues, which of course are

AIDS medication: Unless it's freely available, preferably free, you are going to lose a generation, so it wouldn't matter how much money or relief you threw at any of the other issues, this would set you back every time.

Malaria medication and nets: Control the spread of this one and you'll save millions. Let's work at control rather than eradication. My stepmother lost her brother ot this one, so it's important to me.

Clean Drinking Water: Enough said - helps the AIDS medication work and stops some diseases

Transport Infrastructure: Improve this, and you can improve telecommunications, reduce costs etc etc. (How much better would it be for our soldiers to be doing this rather than fighting in Iraq?)

Vaccination: Let's vaccinate all children against the major disease - then we see a reduction in childbirth rate as fewer children die

Obstetrics and Gynaecology: Help save the mothers' lives and you keep a healthy adult in the population caring for kids and making a contribution to society.

Education: Give kids a trade and a chance. That's their future and ours. Educated people question and make a difference.

Trade: Review the tariffs now - reverse the current climate until we're all on a level playing field. If we don't do this, they can't get themselves out of poverty by improving their own economies.

Debt: I still think it obscene that after the original debts have been paid, they're still paying off interest. Not on people! We should not be profiting from others' misfortune and we are.

Anyway, that's that I think. Can I suggest that people get hold of Make Poverty History, the Commission for Africa and the Rough Guide to Ethical Shopping? These books all give great suggestions and ideas on how people can help. Small things as well as big changes. Number 3 is chocolate!

One: The vast majority of chocolate in this country certainly is inferior. It's more sugar than cocoa. maximising profit margins anyone?

Two: Like coffee, the more cocoa beans a company buys, the more it controls the price, forcing it down.

Three: After the middle men take their cut of the unprocessed bean (yes folks, cos it costs more to export the finished product than the raw ingredient), your producer gets little of that.

And I doubt that's the whole picture either.

So what can we do today to make a difference?

You already know, but I'll say it again - buy Fair Trade! I personally love Green & Blacks Maya Gold - the original (and best??!!) but the Co-op own brand fair trade chocolate range is pretty good as well. And there are many more companies that do this, I can't list them all. This chocolate tastes better and hopefully some of that feel-good glow is down to the good works that we do by buying and eating it! Have a look at the Green & Black's recipe book, which not only has recipes, but featured communities and how chocolate is made!!

And that's the small change you can make today that helps to make a difference and make poverty history. And this one you'll enjoy!

PS If you're a fan of hot chocolate or cocoa powder, keep your eyes open as most of the big fair trade people do those as well.

Please pray for my mother who will be undergoing major surgery a week from today in her fight against cancer.

Comments

London

2005-07-14T15:19:12+02:00

OK folks, sorry this isn't about Make Poverty History, but we've had a busy week - an elderly relative has died, I got locked in my room (another story!), Mum is about to go back into hospital and I've been trying to contact all my family and friends in London for obvious reasons.

But I feel compelled to put a post up about this. Before I get into my stride, let me say that nothing I post here is designed to offend anyone of any faith. But I am pissed about what happened, so sorry in advance if I inadvertantly upset anyone. It's not intentional.

Can I firstly please pass on my condolences to all those who have lost someone or are close to someone who is missing. It is a terrible thing to lose anyone. May God grant you grace, peace and strength to deal with you loss and suffering.

To the parents and families of the suicide bombers (if that is what happened). I fully believe that you must be terribly confused and upset as to why any child could do such a thing, especially one who has grown up in the UK. Peace be upon you. May Allah give you strength.

To the people of London: Hitler, the IRA, the plague, the Great Fire - none of that could bring you down and stop your way of life and this won't either. Be strong and know that the world is standing with you.

And now I rant. So many people of so many faiths and no faiths were killed. And why? To make a point, that's why.

We may be involved in Iraq (and I don't think we should be bailing Bush out, but there you go), but considering how many people have marched and are against the intervention there, it's a pretty big slap in the face to then bomb their transport system. To say it's an attack on the Western way of life because they can't live with the decadence around - I mean come on! PLenty of people of all faiths manage to live in the UK today, some strictly observant and others not. Try harder!

I really wish I could understand this martyrdom theory of 1000 virgins. I mean, if someone was to do a righteous thing to prevent oppression or massacre in a country (including suicide bombs??) where a way of life or religion was being attacked - then yes, I could understand the reward. However, if these boys have been led to believe that by having a go at tolerant societies and bombing the c**p out of them is worthy of being a rightous deed, then sorry, but I just don't get it. Doesn't God teach that you will burn in hell if you harm innocent people? Just a thought. If anyone thinks suicide bombers who kill any innocent person are martyrs in heaven, they need their heads read, in my opinion.

We live in a tolerant society where I, a Jew, can sit next to a Muslim on a long distance bus journey and discuss religion without feeling the need to kill each other. Where we are free to dress and worship how we please. Where we are not forced to eat or do something disrespectful to our religions or friends. I, for one, want this to stay that way. And I do not want to be forced to give up my faith and I don't think anyone should be forced to worship anything if they don't want to. There you go.

The taking of innocent lives, be in Srebrenica, Israel, Iraq, London, Madrid, New York, Bogota, Bali or any country or city in the world is wrong. Murder is wrong. It's a fundamental teaching of any normal religion. The taking of any life for a political statement is WRONG. (I always believe War should be a last resort and that all other means should be exhausted before guns start firing).

IN London, people of all faiths and nationalities were killed. I hope they find the people still alive who may be planning more of this. I hope they find them, make them face the people they have hurt, prosecute them and then throw away the key.

On another note, and this is where I may offend some people. I have no problem with people seeking asylum because of their beliefs. Really I don't. Some of these people are considered terrorists by their own countries. I think it depends on the circumstances as to whether we should let these people in. BUT If they are convicted of similar offences in other countries where innocents die, then I think we have to question whether we want them to be here or not. I also think that those people who preach a violent jihad against the UK and any other nations because they aren't "Islamic" enough should not be allowed to preach this, especially when they have been given asylum from persecution in their own countries for such beliefs! Sometimes, in this country, we are too tolerant I think. A big sorry by the way to all those muslims who are offended - peaceful struggle to free the oppressed is more than OK and I know full and fine well that Islam does not teach that what some people do in the name of Islam is right.

And while we're at it, people using London as an excuse for a spot of racial attack (graffitti, attacking young boys, especially here in Edinburgh) - you are just as bad as the bombers frankly. There is never any excuse for racism either. The BNP should be ashamed of themselves for using a pisture of the no 30!

Now is the time those moderates should be coming together. United, we're strong. Muslim, Jew and Christian, Hindu, Sikh and Buddhist etc etc etc. We all have a responsibility both within and outwith our communities to stop this kind of thing happening anywhere in the world. We are all neighbours, brother and sisters, parents and children. We are a world family and this kind of family dispute is not on.

As the boy on the bus said to me:

"You've heard of Windows 98?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"You've heard of Windows 2000?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"You've heard of Windows XP?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"They're all operating systems for PCs aren't they? So are religions for guiding humans in life. But you don't see computers self-destructing each time they come into contact with a new operating system do you!?"

He does have a point. Continued terrorism is not about politics, it's about control and fear. We won't be controlled or afraid. But if we don't all work together to stop this from happening our society will self-destruct.

I'll get off my soapbox and I'm expecting repercussions!!!!! Don't be mad, be constructive!

Comments

What a Difference a Day Makes #2 for Make Poverty History

2005-07-07T11:22:56+02:00

I'm still getting cynics on this subject, but here we go with number 2.

Today's topic is......Coffee.

I think everyone knows about how unfair this particular trade is. You've got big, multinational conglomerates forcing the price of beans down, not to mention the middlemen who all take their cut. This all means that the individual farmers are getting less for their crop and sinking into deeper poverty - they can't pay for food, healthcare, education or to repair their homes.

I don't care what anyone says - this is unfair. Not to mention the attitudes of some plantations who don't give the workers on their estates a fair deal. I could also go on about certain companies policies on the distribution of baby milk to areas where there's a lack of clean water to make it up (not to mention the fact that a) the baby milk powder is expensive and b) addicted babies won't go back to breastmilk) which means babies get diarrhoea - which, by the way, can kill. And I won't mention the tariffs again, which make it more expensive to export the finished product, but cheaper to export the raw material - which is cheaper. Fair? I think not....

So what can you do to make a difference: Buy fair trade coffee. There's loads of it about, both with caffeine and without. Clipper, Percol Kids, etc etc etc. All Co-op own brand coffee is now fair trade - and it's the same price as the regular brand. We all drink too much of it anyway, so buy fair trade (more expensive), enjoy decent coffee, make a difference, drink less of it and save your own health! Also, shun the coffee house! Drink coffee at home or at your friends' places instead - or take it with you.

Fair Trade gives people an opportunity to get a decent price and most of the fair trade companies also help to get health and social programmes up and running and give assistance with building community centres, schools etc.

Doing this today, buying Fair Trade coffee - and getting your friends to do this as well, will start making a difference. And think of it this way; the more people encouraged to do this will eventually start to hurt major companies where they least want it - in their pockets. Hit them hard enoungh financially, and they will have to see the light and change their attitudes (but we have to work on tariffs too!)

A lot of people making small changes to their lives which we can afford can change the world. And this is what you can do today to help Make Poverty History.

Comments

What a Difference a Day Makes #1 for Make Poverty History

2005-07-05T09:53:08+02:00

I keep being asked why we should do anything and oh, the problem is so big what can I do?

So I'm starting today with some small and simple changes we can all make or do that take very little time or thought. Please email this link/suggestion to all your friends if you like - because then we are making a difference.

Today's topic is BANANAS
Due to trade tariffs and unfair rules, the Windward islanders are being unfairly discriminated against in the world market, as are other developing nations. When you buy bananas, make sure you check what the country of origin is and buy either those from the Windward Islands (hint: you can get these 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's) or buyt those carrying the Fair Trade mark.

Make this change, and today you will have made a difference to the lives of these farmers. See? It really is THAT easy.

PS Thanks to the two of you who commented on the last post - TAR I feel a campaign coming on....!!!!

Comments

Make Poverty History

2005-07-03T02:12:24+02:00

Today I had the privilege of being part of something far bigger than any individual contribution I could ever hope to make to anything. Today I marched in Edinburgh as part of Make Poverty History.

It has been a day of many things; of being part of a Jewish coalition for the cause; of meeting, quite unexpectedly, old faces from the past and doing something to start making a difference.

The Make Poverty History campaign is something I feel strongly about, not only from the perspective of being the right thing to do, but also from a personal perspective.

My stepmother is Ugandan. Her mother died from a lack of adequate healthcare due to cancer. Her younger brother died from complications due to malaria and her only sister died from Aids - both of her siblings died in no small part from our failure in the west to provide inexpensive medications to some of the world’s poorest people. I can see the effect the west’s unfair policies have had on my own family. I know a little boy who has lost his mother because of this.

So what do I want to see achieved? Firstly, I want every child in the world to have a free primary school education, so that they have the building blocks to build themselves a future. Secondly, I want all children in the world to be immunised against the biggest killers - immunisations we take for granted as being our right in this country. Thirdly, I want to see safe, clean drinking water available to every person on the planet. The fourth is a bit bigger, because it deals with trade in general. All of the above are achievable (and are being achieved right now in some African countries) if debt relief was provided from loans to western banks - I mean debt relief that has no ties. Interest has been paid over and above the original amounts loaned, so why do we need more money? All it does is make poor countries suffer. The next thing I want to see is an urgent review of tariffs and subsidies. It seems crazy to me that the world’s richest countries benefit more from reduced tariffs on imported and exported goods than developing nations - surely this should be the other way around? I would also like to see a reduction in the vast and obscene subsidies that are paid to some farmers, most particularly in the US. While I don’t want to see anyone forced out of business, I equally fail to see how one farmer needs $17 million in subsidies a year. Imagine what could be achieved if the huge amounts of subsidies were even halved annually and that money was directed into aid. Incidentally, I would also like to see better healthcare for women, to reduce the number of women who are dying unnecessarily in childbirth.

Our supermarkets and other manufacturing businesses should be buying direct. We should be encouraging co-operatives and making trade and aid agreements based on helping these people direct rather than their leaders. It was once said that if you give a man a loaf of bread, he will live for a day; give him the means to produce that bread for himself and he can feed himself and his family for life - and sell the rest of what he makes.

We don’t have the right to judge other cultures for the size of their families or having their children help with farms or business. We do have a right to judge our own leaders and hold them accountable if they don’t help make poverty history.

I feel so privileged to have been a part of today; I waited for several hours for the right to march in Edinburgh and when I did, it didn’t feel like any other marches I have ever been on. I felt I had to do this and that what I did made a difference. I feel I added to the voices saying that we want an end to the suffering poverty causes. My heart swelled with hope as I walked down Princes Street and saw something I once could only have dreamed might happen; a massive Make Poverty History banner displayed at Edinburgh Castle. The sun shone and the atmosphere was incredible and I am really praying that one day I can say, I was there. I made a difference.

But where do we go from here - we have made our voices heard today and will do so over the next week during G8. Hyde Park, as I write, has just ended and more people are now on their way here. I say we have to keep on raising our voices. We have to write letters. We have to make sure that we won’t settle for half-promises and hours of fighting over compromises that don’t benefit developing nations. There is no compromise and we have to make sure our leaders know that this is what we believe and that we will keep on watching, speaking and acting on this and demanding action from them until poverty is history.

And there’s more we can do as well; we can make some tough choices for ourselves. We can choose to boycott products and buy fair trade. We can buy ethical products. We can cut down on material goods that we just don’t need. We can spend more of our money to make sure that those who don’t have it get a fairer deal. And if we have skills that are needed, we can volunteer our time and send help where it’s needed. It’s not just about money out of our pockets; time is just as valuable as gold.

I could harp on about my religious obligations and beliefs that make this campaign important to me. I am not going to do that. I am only going to say that every person in this world is our neighbour and we all have an obligation to each other as human beings to ensure that everyone has the basics, that everyone has a fair deal and that everyone has justice.

We’ve only taken the first steps. Let’s keep fighting for justice.

Comments

Out of the Frying Pan

2005-06-24T14:05:40+02:00

Well dear friends,

It's beena bit of a gap again, mainly due to the ongoing chaos that is planet Macdonald. As you are probably all aware, (if you're following the story)Mum was recently unwell and we were waiting on the reults of further tests. In addition, I was also about to start attending my religion classes and trying to decide where to go off to Uni and things looked to be back on the up, after the recent disasters.

I should be so lucky.

The youngest is making a recovery from her illness, which is great news, and I've accepted my place in Bristol to do nursing, which starts January 2006. I have also finally now turned 30 (about 4 weeks ago).

The bad news is that Mum has been diagnosed with cancer, for which she is having yet more tests before a decision is made on treatment. Being from the family we are, we've always believed that if anything can go wrong it will - but when it happens to us it will be the most strange and unusual thing that could happen (Murphy's Law: Stevenson Effect)and that is precisely what's happened - she has a really rare tumour.

Now I'm being optimistic (not my style either I should tell you all), although my two delightful sisters have turned into gloom and doom merchants. Honestly - you would think she's on her last legs! "Oh she's putting her affairs in order", "Oh they don't know what they'll find when they open her up", "Oh, she might not have long left" - I mean just GONNAE NO DAE THAT! In addition to this, the not-so-prodigal son (my brother, eldest of 2 boys in the family who comes straight after me - remind me to do the family tree some time), who took her to court a few years ago (yes, we're close and loving) is coming home at the end of next week. not to her house, though, I hasten to add!

Plus, the hospital lost her results for 6 weeks, the useless secretary having sent her results to the wrong department and then not told mum appointments were set up. I could say how angry I am, but I bet the steam is coming off this already.....!!!!

And I am now never in, as I have 2 jobs (got to pay the overdraft and visa off before the end of the year somehow!) So not much sleep, ratty and feeling my age! However, I've fallen on my feet with temp work full time....I'm working for a medical imaging software company which is really good!

Turning 30 has proved to be both good and challenging it must be said. No more crushes, growing up and refusing to take much crap from anyone anymore.

I'll keep you posted on how things go, but bye for now.....

Comments

Almost forgot to mention!

2005-05-22T20:15:32+02:00

I'm always interested to hear what people think, so please feel free to comment! Thanks for the first one so far by the way! It's nice to know people are reading this!

But - if you have any comments that are anti-semitic or not supportive of nurses, mature students, women in general, mental illness, scots or cats, then I would respectfully ask that you please don't share them with me, as I'd like to continue to believe the world is a nice, friendly unbigoted place to live in

I think I ought to review the rose-tinted specs though!

Comments

Revisiting old ground

2005-05-22T20:09:13+02:00

You know, I had all these plans to put all these posts up about pretty much everything that's going on in my life, but after the events of yesterday, there's just the two subjects for now.

I haven't been able to post recently, due to family crises (yes, I spelt that right!). One of them is my mum, who was seriously ill for the first time I can remember and the other is my sister. It's my sister I want to mention today.

This sister (one of four I have - yes really) suffers from a depressive type illness. Like most depressive illnesses, this affects her life (and I should know - I've been there too) and those around her. For those people not in the know, depression makes you view the world in a totally different way to everyone else. It can be that you just don't feel happy; for others it's extremes of emotions, for others it's a total absence of. Some people just hate not being able to totally engage with the world (meaning people etc). Most people who try to end it all just don't want to continue to feel the way they do - they just want it to stop. The other problems with the illnesses are the paranoia, the irrational and extremes of behaviour.

In our position, I have to deal with difficult relatives who either won't admit she has a problem or do, but disagree on the best treatment. Then you have her friends, who won't help "manage" her and keep her off any stimulants (and help keep her out of trouble). Then we also have their attitude to drug intervention of the legal sort. And then there's the problem of trying to get her to see a doctor. There's three of us who see sense on this, but for every step we get forward we go three back. It's not just about managing this either; it's also about trying to ensure she doesn't throw her degree away and about keeping her home environment stable (as she's not at home). I have been doing my best to deal with a difficult and ill individual, but living with people with this type of illness and trying to both help them and get them to help themselves is tricky at best and downright impossible at worst.

Yesterday, I received a text message from her. As out mum is away, younger sister thought she would come and collect some of her belongings (Unfortunately she left most of them behind). I was then the one who got all the abusive text messages when she couldn't find something. Not surprisingly, after the recent stresses, I finally lost my temper and said she was making it really difficult to sympathise with her, try to help her and also represent her interests to the family if you will. So she told me not to bother. She also wouldn't answer the phone.

I then phoned one of our mutual friends to let her know what was going on and, basically, to say that I'd had enough.

And I feel terrible. I feel I've truly done an awful thing by saying I can't take it any more and essentially dumping the problem onto someone else. Worse yet, this has brought back an awful lot of very bad memories from when I was unwell myself and I was behaving in a similar manner. It's only now that I can appreciate just why so many people washed their hands of me. I had repaid their kindness and friendship with aggression, paranoia and being a complete liability. In essence, I was not myself and I put them through too much, just like my sister is doing now. I don't blame them however. No one should ever be blamed or have their committment to friendship questioned because they admit to not being able to handle any more tricky behaviour. Mental illness is always best handled by the professionals. I've had an outlet this time and I've made sure my sister's friends have the appropriate numbers as well. We also meet togther regularly to give ourselves a break. But everyone is human and everyone has limits to how much they can tolerate.

I was known as the crazy girl for a reason and I've been to several shades of hell and back. It is only now that I understand just how tough I must have been to take and how awful I feel about not having said sorry. If there was a way I could take back everything that happened I would, but there's not and I have to live with what happened and just try not to let my sister destroy her life and family relationships the way I did mine.

On a lighter note, I made a new friend yesterday, who told me about the local Mormons doing door to door - much to my surprise they showed up on my doorstep last night. Being the hospitable girl I am, I invited them in and fed and watered them, and while talking to them remembered something else this new friend said to me: She told me that from now on I may be the only Jew anyone meets and that I have to always be aware of my behaviour, because this is how others could judge allJews. A sobering thought. It also made me realise how much I have to learn and learn to deal with so that I can know what I'm talking about! I already get lots of questions asked of me that I can't answer just yet, but it's good to be making friends my own age within my own community, because now I don't feel quite so much like an outsider.

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First (Past The) Post

2005-04-22T18:02:07+02:00

Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I never tand to do anything by half, so once I had decided to study nursing (which I will begin later on this year), I then decided to chuck in my job.

Needless to say, most of the people I know think this is utterly crazy (why take away security before you need to?) but I never do anything by half.

I have also just received the nicest surprise in a long time; extremely unexpectedly, a leaving present from the guys at work. They know me better than I thought they did as well, because all of my favourite things was in it! Awww - all I can say is I'll really miss you all

This will be the first post of many. I have a lot of interests and like funny things, political things, offensive things and so on. Stay tuned and let me know what you think.

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