Greetings all
For those of you who have been keeping apace, I've been a bit quiet recently, as my mum has been back in hospital having the op for the cancer.
It all went really well and she's healing fine (including the nerves, which are giving her no end of trouble at the moment). She was let out less than a week afterwards and we've been looking after her ever since. Or rather, I have.
See the trouble with being someone's primary carer is having to be utterly selfless. Now, this isn't a problem - I'm happy to do this; I love my Mum very much, but it gets difficult when you share your space with others who don't have the same sense of responsibility that you do.
As a carer, your priorities shift. My priority is my mother. Full stop. This means doing her laundry, cleaning her house, making her meals and making sure she has everything she needs. I gave her my TV and DVD player so she can watch TV in her room etc and bought her a kettle so she doesn't have to do 2 flights of stairs to the kitchen. I didn't do this for brownie points, I did this to try and help her out.
However, when it's pretty much you in the firing line, it does mean that everything - and I mean everything- takes second place. My relationship has really suffered since Mum became ill the first time and the boyfriend and I called time on this 3 weeks ago right before her surgery. It's all very amicable and we're still friends and we talk frequently. I've had to take a great deal of time off work as well. As I'm a temp, this isn't too bad, but then again, if I don't work I don't get paid, which is not great if you're a) trying to pay off all your debts before becoming a skint student again and b) paying all the food and miscellaneous bills with your meagre salary in the first place. But I do this and I do it wholeheartedly because I care! The other thing I've had to give up is sleep and lunch - I'm up at 6.30 every day to get various things done before I have to go to work and I rarely get to bed before midnight. Lunch went because I need to spend as much time as possible wiht my mum. I don't think I'm sleeping too well either at the moment, in case Mum needs me. I also have been out on only 2 occasions; if I am out I feel guilty about leaving Mum (even when it's she that has chased me out the door!) and besides, there's dusting, hoovering, mopping and polishing minimum for me to do! I am trying to fit this all in around the full-time and part-time jobs - very tricky.
You might be asking yourselves why there's no help? Well, there's supposed to me, except that's in the shape of the manic younger sister. She occasionally makes lunch - if she's up, which can be well after noon and doesn't consider that Mum can't get to the door or phone quickly or fend for herself yet. However, I got home one day last week to find that said sister hadn't come home the night before or during the day and as a result poor mum had had nothing to eat until 4.30pm and hadn't phoned me as she hadn't wanted to disturb me! Said sister had not bothered to call me to let me know she wasn't in and could I help? Needless to say, I was not happy. This was on top of her not getting a repeat prescription of her anti-depressants right before Mum's surgery, meaning I had to deal with her as well as Mum.
Also, said sister has decided that her priority is herself and her career - never mind anyone else. Mum's care, the house and the rest of us will just have to manage, despite the fact that she earns no money doing what she does. From her I get no help with housework or laundry (she has no time apparently) and no contribution towards the food (she has no money, oh and apparently doesn't eat food that's bought either!). She also has a habit of letting people down - like our neighbour just this week.
I confronted her about her behaviour on Saturday, asking what would make her help out? I pointed out that I've been very upset trying to cope and that I am at a point where I probably should see a doctor (but I'm too scared to go in case I get put on tablets that then mean I'd lose my place to do nursing), and I pointed out that my being so upset at work as I can't cope with all of it and being sent home is not great for any of us. I also tried pointing out that if I don't work we don't eat. Am I being unfair to expect her to do housework, look after Mum some of the time and make a small contribution? Am I justified in thinking she's being a selfish little madam right now? Well when she told me that what she is doing right now is about her career, her future and didn't say anything about how her behaviour is impacting on my health, I think we know the answer. I believe our focus is Mum right now, not anything else, and if you are not the one earning, you should be the one caring. Am I right or am I being selfish?
Is it fair on me when I lose everything I've worked for just so she can find herself? This is what I'm faced with; work and I'm neglecting mum and the house. look after mum and I lose my job and income, meaning I can't pay my bills or pay for food. Try and do everything and I crack up and may lose my sanity, health and place to study nursing. I'm in Catch 22 land. I can't win any way right now.
Mum is feeling guilty about needing so much help - and she shouldn't. She's ill and she's allowed to be looked after. I'm not angry with her - I'm angry with my sister for doing nothing.
At least I am not so stressed during the day at the moment as my brother is home and looks after her, even though he expects me to take over again once I get in from work. Other sister is off representing the family at a wedding in Australia, so I've been helping sort out things she will need while there and en route. I hope to get there later this year for a break. Think I'll need it by then!
Tonight folks, at the risk of sounding selfish, I am off out on my leaving night form the current temp job and then off to a show. I get in in the wee small hours and then after about 4 hours sleep I will be up again to start the day for Mum before heading to Shabbat service and my religious instruction classes. Then I'm out tomorrow night seeing the premiere (UK) of Land of the Dead with George Romero possibly in attendance! I'm squeezing all my fesitvals (there's a lot on in Edinburgh right now!) into a few days!
I try not to stay angry, because that won't help anyone, least of all me. I just try and keep going, hoping that I don't burn out.
After all, if I burn out, who will pick up the pieces?
And now I am faced with discussing my sister with my other brother and sister again. Even though we know it's not helping we're all bailing her out. By paying for her prescriptions or giving (it's not lending when you don't see it again!) her cash, she's not learning any responsibility for herself and her current behaviour shows us she won't take responsibility for her surroundings or anyone else either. I wish it could all be blamed on her being ill, but she has always been like this and when I was ill with the same kind of problem, I still did my chores and held down a job. I even took my exams at Uni and passed. I have a horrible feeling that she needs to be given an ultimatum. You have to pay digs, you have to do chores and you have to get some sort of job. We won't help any more, because it's doing you no favours. Even though I know this is what we need to do, I feel awful that we might have to do this, because I don't want to alienate her or make her feel unloved. But I'm fighting the rear-guard action again to stop Mum from showing her the highway again, because Mum is angry with her behaviour too. Mum may be ill, but she's still got eyes.
Anyway, I am back between a larger rock and an even harder place. I'll let you know if we all get out of this one alive! Any advice, you know where I am!