Thirtysomething Life Changes

Hi everyone,

It's been such a long time since I last wrote! I have moved jobs again, been to visit my new home (I love Bristol!), made some new friends and my mum is ever onwards and upwards. Perhaps the best news is that all the tests came back negative on her post-op biopsies, so we hope the cancer isn't going to come back.

I am also going to be an aunt! Have recently seen the first scan of my nephew/niece and my little sister is thrilled. Unfortunately, her joy is not shared by members of the family, which is a shame and it's also caused no end of trouble, with family member being set against family member. My brother has now disowned me (!) although what he means by that I don't know... Apparently I am evil and manipulative. Obviously hasn't looked at a dictionary lately.

We also have 2 new cats, a little grey tabby and a big long-haired bruiser (ginger and white), who decided I'm their mummy and like lots of cuddles. Both of them sleep with me; the grey one just curls up, but the long-haired monster will decide he needs to feel love at 2 in the morning! He's getting better though, now just tending to sleep on my bed, although I'm lucky if I can find space to sprawl myself as they tend to take up the whole bed!

I am also injured! I have managed to partially tear the tendons and ligaments in my left foot, due to a pretty bad fall on a night out (I was SOBER at the time and wearing flats; just an accident!), but I'm off the painkillers and should be back to full driving/dancing/gym-going in another 3 weeks or so. Still hurts though, but limping is less.

Also recently caught up with a lot of my old friends from 10 years ago, which was lovely and they were all really nice (which after my loopy and psychotic behaviour back then I really didn't deserve) and I'm hoping to stay in touch. Behaved somewhat badly and don't think I'm ging to be forgiven by someone in particular, but I hope so before next reunion! It must be said Chambers Street Reunion was amazing and the music was ace, even if it did have to be in Teviot. I even didn't clear the floor when DJing although I kept my session short'n'sweet!!!!!

Next post will be soon!

TTFN

Thirtysomething

Greetings all

For those of you who have been keeping apace, I've been a bit quiet recently, as my mum has been back in hospital having the op for the cancer.

It all went really well and she's healing fine (including the nerves, which are giving her no end of trouble at the moment). She was let out less than a week afterwards and we've been looking after her ever since. Or rather, I have.

See the trouble with being someone's primary carer is having to be utterly selfless. Now, this isn't a problem - I'm happy to do this; I love my Mum very much, but it gets difficult when you share your space with others who don't have the same sense of responsibility that you do.

As a carer, your priorities shift. My priority is my mother. Full stop. This means doing her laundry, cleaning her house, making her meals and making sure she has everything she needs. I gave her my TV and DVD player so she can watch TV in her room etc and bought her a kettle so she doesn't have to do 2 flights of stairs to the kitchen. I didn't do this for brownie points, I did this to try and help her out.

However, when it's pretty much you in the firing line, it does mean that everything - and I mean everything- takes second place. My relationship has really suffered since Mum became ill the first time and the boyfriend and I called time on this 3 weeks ago right before her surgery. It's all very amicable and we're still friends and we talk frequently. I've had to take a great deal of time off work as well. As I'm a temp, this isn't too bad, but then again, if I don't work I don't get paid, which is not great if you're a) trying to pay off all your debts before becoming a skint student again and b) paying all the food and miscellaneous bills with your meagre salary in the first place. But I do this and I do it wholeheartedly because I care! The other thing I've had to give up is sleep and lunch - I'm up at 6.30 every day to get various things done before I have to go to work and I rarely get to bed before midnight. Lunch went because I need to spend as much time as possible wiht my mum. I don't think I'm sleeping too well either at the moment, in case Mum needs me. I also have been out on only 2 occasions; if I am out I feel guilty about leaving Mum (even when it's she that has chased me out the door!) and besides, there's dusting, hoovering, mopping and polishing minimum for me to do! I am trying to fit this all in around the full-time and part-time jobs - very tricky.

You might be asking yourselves why there's no help? Well, there's supposed to me, except that's in the shape of the manic younger sister. She occasionally makes lunch - if she's up, which can be well after noon and doesn't consider that Mum can't get to the door or phone quickly or fend for herself yet. However, I got home one day last week to find that said sister hadn't come home the night before or during the day and as a result poor mum had had nothing to eat until 4.30pm and hadn't phoned me as she hadn't wanted to disturb me! Said sister had not bothered to call me to let me know she wasn't in and could I help? Needless to say, I was not happy. This was on top of her not getting a repeat prescription of her anti-depressants right before Mum's surgery, meaning I had to deal with her as well as Mum.

Also, said sister has decided that her priority is herself and her career - never mind anyone else. Mum's care, the house and the rest of us will just have to manage, despite the fact that she earns no money doing what she does. From her I get no help with housework or laundry (she has no time apparently) and no contribution towards the food (she has no money, oh and apparently doesn't eat food that's bought either!). She also has a habit of letting people down - like our neighbour just this week.

I confronted her about her behaviour on Saturday, asking what would make her help out? I pointed out that I've been very upset trying to cope and that I am at a point where I probably should see a doctor (but I'm too scared to go in case I get put on tablets that then mean I'd lose my place to do nursing), and I pointed out that my being so upset at work as I can't cope with all of it and being sent home is not great for any of us. I also tried pointing out that if I don't work we don't eat. Am I being unfair to expect her to do housework, look after Mum some of the time and make a small contribution? Am I justified in thinking she's being a selfish little madam right now? Well when she told me that what she is doing right now is about her career, her future and didn't say anything about how her behaviour is impacting on my health, I think we know the answer. I believe our focus is Mum right now, not anything else, and if you are not the one earning, you should be the one caring. Am I right or am I being selfish?

Is it fair on me when I lose everything I've worked for just so she can find herself? This is what I'm faced with; work and I'm neglecting mum and the house. look after mum and I lose my job and income, meaning I can't pay my bills or pay for food. Try and do everything and I crack up and may lose my sanity, health and place to study nursing. I'm in Catch 22 land. I can't win any way right now.

Mum is feeling guilty about needing so much help - and she shouldn't. She's ill and she's allowed to be looked after. I'm not angry with her - I'm angry with my sister for doing nothing.

At least I am not so stressed during the day at the moment as my brother is home and looks after her, even though he expects me to take over again once I get in from work. Other sister is off representing the family at a wedding in Australia, so I've been helping sort out things she will need while there and en route. I hope to get there later this year for a break. Think I'll need it by then!

Tonight folks, at the risk of sounding selfish, I am off out on my leaving night form the current temp job and then off to a show. I get in in the wee small hours and then after about 4 hours sleep I will be up again to start the day for Mum before heading to Shabbat service and my religious instruction classes. Then I'm out tomorrow night seeing the premiere (UK) of Land of the Dead with George Romero possibly in attendance! I'm squeezing all my fesitvals (there's a lot on in Edinburgh right now!) into a few days!

I try not to stay angry, because that won't help anyone, least of all me. I just try and keep going, hoping that I don't burn out.

After all, if I burn out, who will pick up the pieces?

And now I am faced with discussing my sister with my other brother and sister again. Even though we know it's not helping we're all bailing her out. By paying for her prescriptions or giving (it's not lending when you don't see it again!) her cash, she's not learning any responsibility for herself and her current behaviour shows us she won't take responsibility for her surroundings or anyone else either. I wish it could all be blamed on her being ill, but she has always been like this and when I was ill with the same kind of problem, I still did my chores and held down a job. I even took my exams at Uni and passed. I have a horrible feeling that she needs to be given an ultimatum. You have to pay digs, you have to do chores and you have to get some sort of job. We won't help any more, because it's doing you no favours. Even though I know this is what we need to do, I feel awful that we might have to do this, because I don't want to alienate her or make her feel unloved. But I'm fighting the rear-guard action again to stop Mum from showing her the highway again, because Mum is angry with her behaviour too. Mum may be ill, but she's still got eyes.

Anyway, I am back between a larger rock and an even harder place. I'll let you know if we all get out of this one alive! Any advice, you know where I am!

Today is Number 4 - I checked! And it's TEA.

Very good for you this stuff apparently, much better than coffee.

What's not so good is the unfair deal workers on tea plantations get. Like most people, they get paid a pittance, have to work long hours and have virtually no protection in law. Middlemen take their cut...Need I go on?

Not on I say. read Rough Guide to Ethical Shopping for a list of companies that are unethical on this one.

So what can we do (you know what I'm going to say!) buy Fair Trade! On the side of the packets of most fair trade tea (especially co-op amongst others), you'll find little stories about how the buyers from Co-op, thanks to the demand for the products, have made this huge difference to lives. In one case in Africa, a creche has been built for workers' children and a community centre has also been built, where locals can find out what is going on in the world. All this because of a better deal through Fair Trade.

So check out your tea bags and if they don't brew to the fair trade standard, you know what to do!

And that's what you can do today to make a difference to make poverty history.

Short one I know, but I'm up to my eyeballs. When I get the email up and running for the blog I will post it to let you contact me direct!

Are we on 3 yet? I can't remember it's been so long, what with bombings and everything. So apologies ot anyone who has been waiting with bated breath for this latest installment.

First of all though, can I just say how disappointed I am that G8 have not done more. The current situation in Niger is an absolute disgrace. Leaders, remember we are watching you. We have the luxury of voting you out if we feel you aren't delivering. What exactly is it going to take for the G8 leaders to realise that unless you address the major issues, which of course are

AIDS medication: Unless it's freely available, preferably free, you are going to lose a generation, so it wouldn't matter how much money or relief you threw at any of the other issues, this would set you back every time.

Malaria medication and nets: Control the spread of this one and you'll save millions. Let's work at control rather than eradication. My stepmother lost her brother ot this one, so it's important to me.

Clean Drinking Water: Enough said - helps the AIDS medication work and stops some diseases

Transport Infrastructure: Improve this, and you can improve telecommunications, reduce costs etc etc. (How much better would it be for our soldiers to be doing this rather than fighting in Iraq?)

Vaccination: Let's vaccinate all children against the major disease - then we see a reduction in childbirth rate as fewer children die

Obstetrics and Gynaecology: Help save the mothers' lives and you keep a healthy adult in the population caring for kids and making a contribution to society.

Education: Give kids a trade and a chance. That's their future and ours. Educated people question and make a difference.

Trade: Review the tariffs now - reverse the current climate until we're all on a level playing field. If we don't do this, they can't get themselves out of poverty by improving their own economies.

Debt: I still think it obscene that after the original debts have been paid, they're still paying off interest. Not on people! We should not be profiting from others' misfortune and we are.

Anyway, that's that I think. Can I suggest that people get hold of Make Poverty History, the Commission for Africa and the Rough Guide to Ethical Shopping? These books all give great suggestions and ideas on how people can help. Small things as well as big changes. Number 3 is chocolate!

One: The vast majority of chocolate in this country certainly is inferior. It's more sugar than cocoa. maximising profit margins anyone?

Two: Like coffee, the more cocoa beans a company buys, the more it controls the price, forcing it down.

Three: After the middle men take their cut of the unprocessed bean (yes folks, cos it costs more to export the finished product than the raw ingredient), your producer gets little of that.

And I doubt that's the whole picture either.

So what can we do today to make a difference?

You already know, but I'll say it again - buy Fair Trade! I personally love Green & Blacks Maya Gold - the original (and best??!!) but the Co-op own brand fair trade chocolate range is pretty good as well. And there are many more companies that do this, I can't list them all. This chocolate tastes better and hopefully some of that feel-good glow is down to the good works that we do by buying and eating it! Have a look at the Green & Black's recipe book, which not only has recipes, but featured communities and how chocolate is made!!

And that's the small change you can make today that helps to make a difference and make poverty history. And this one you'll enjoy!

PS If you're a fan of hot chocolate or cocoa powder, keep your eyes open as most of the big fair trade people do those as well.

Please pray for my mother who will be undergoing major surgery a week from today in her fight against cancer.

OK folks, sorry this isn't about Make Poverty History, but we've had a busy week - an elderly relative has died, I got locked in my room (another story!), Mum is about to go back into hospital and I've been trying to contact all my family and friends in London for obvious reasons.

But I feel compelled to put a post up about this. Before I get into my stride, let me say that nothing I post here is designed to offend anyone of any faith. But I am pissed about what happened, so sorry in advance if I inadvertantly upset anyone. It's not intentional.

Can I firstly please pass on my condolences to all those who have lost someone or are close to someone who is missing. It is a terrible thing to lose anyone. May God grant you grace, peace and strength to deal with you loss and suffering.

To the parents and families of the suicide bombers (if that is what happened). I fully believe that you must be terribly confused and upset as to why any child could do such a thing, especially one who has grown up in the UK. Peace be upon you. May Allah give you strength.

To the people of London: Hitler, the IRA, the plague, the Great Fire - none of that could bring you down and stop your way of life and this won't either. Be strong and know that the world is standing with you.

And now I rant. So many people of so many faiths and no faiths were killed. And why? To make a point, that's why.

We may be involved in Iraq (and I don't think we should be bailing Bush out, but there you go), but considering how many people have marched and are against the intervention there, it's a pretty big slap in the face to then bomb their transport system. To say it's an attack on the Western way of life because they can't live with the decadence around - I mean come on! PLenty of people of all faiths manage to live in the UK today, some strictly observant and others not. Try harder!

I really wish I could understand this martyrdom theory of 1000 virgins. I mean, if someone was to do a righteous thing to prevent oppression or massacre in a country (including suicide bombs??) where a way of life or religion was being attacked - then yes, I could understand the reward. However, if these boys have been led to believe that by having a go at tolerant societies and bombing the c**p out of them is worthy of being a rightous deed, then sorry, but I just don't get it. Doesn't God teach that you will burn in hell if you harm innocent people? Just a thought. If anyone thinks suicide bombers who kill any innocent person are martyrs in heaven, they need their heads read, in my opinion.

We live in a tolerant society where I, a Jew, can sit next to a Muslim on a long distance bus journey and discuss religion without feeling the need to kill each other. Where we are free to dress and worship how we please. Where we are not forced to eat or do something disrespectful to our religions or friends. I, for one, want this to stay that way. And I do not want to be forced to give up my faith and I don't think anyone should be forced to worship anything if they don't want to. There you go.

The taking of innocent lives, be in Srebrenica, Israel, Iraq, London, Madrid, New York, Bogota, Bali or any country or city in the world is wrong. Murder is wrong. It's a fundamental teaching of any normal religion. The taking of any life for a political statement is WRONG. (I always believe War should be a last resort and that all other means should be exhausted before guns start firing).

IN London, people of all faiths and nationalities were killed. I hope they find the people still alive who may be planning more of this. I hope they find them, make them face the people they have hurt, prosecute them and then throw away the key.

On another note, and this is where I may offend some people. I have no problem with people seeking asylum because of their beliefs. Really I don't. Some of these people are considered terrorists by their own countries. I think it depends on the circumstances as to whether we should let these people in. BUT If they are convicted of similar offences in other countries where innocents die, then I think we have to question whether we want them to be here or not. I also think that those people who preach a violent jihad against the UK and any other nations because they aren't "Islamic" enough should not be allowed to preach this, especially when they have been given asylum from persecution in their own countries for such beliefs! Sometimes, in this country, we are too tolerant I think. A big sorry by the way to all those muslims who are offended - peaceful struggle to free the oppressed is more than OK and I know full and fine well that Islam does not teach that what some people do in the name of Islam is right.

And while we're at it, people using London as an excuse for a spot of racial attack (graffitti, attacking young boys, especially here in Edinburgh) - you are just as bad as the bombers frankly. There is never any excuse for racism either. The BNP should be ashamed of themselves for using a pisture of the no 30!

Now is the time those moderates should be coming together. United, we're strong. Muslim, Jew and Christian, Hindu, Sikh and Buddhist etc etc etc. We all have a responsibility both within and outwith our communities to stop this kind of thing happening anywhere in the world. We are all neighbours, brother and sisters, parents and children. We are a world family and this kind of family dispute is not on.

As the boy on the bus said to me:

"You've heard of Windows 98?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"You've heard of Windows 2000?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"You've heard of Windows XP?" he asked
"Yes", I said
"They're all operating systems for PCs aren't they? So are religions for guiding humans in life. But you don't see computers self-destructing each time they come into contact with a new operating system do you!?"

He does have a point. Continued terrorism is not about politics, it's about control and fear. We won't be controlled or afraid. But if we don't all work together to stop this from happening our society will self-destruct.

I'll get off my soapbox and I'm expecting repercussions!!!!! Don't be mad, be constructive!